In Which Buffy the Vampire Slayer Takes Over My Life

So, Suey’s Buffy watchalong has been going considerably better for me than I ever expected; so much so that I spent the past two weekends (and okay, most weekday evenings too. No, I don’t have much of a social life at the moment) doing little beyond binge-watching Buffy. I guess this is the point where I officially say: Dear Amy, Memory, Jenny, Jodie, Lightheaded, Claire, Steph, and everyone else who told me I had to watch Buffy over the past five years, you were right all along.

I wouldn’t describe Buffy as a flawless show¹, but it has done something that very few things have done for me lately: it has engrossed me completely, to the point where I always want to watch just one more episode and even have dreams about the characters. I’ve spent the majority of this year in, as Amy put it recently, a story draught, so I particularly appreciate the show’s ability to grab me like this at a time when precious little fiction is doing much for me. And perhaps even more than that, I appreciate its ability to make me feel. I recently finished reading Diana Wynne Jones’ essay collection Reflections (review to come as soon as my writing slump allows it, assuming that ever happens), and she says that a good story should be an experience; that the emotional work we do while engaging with a story that truly grabs us by the guts is actually something that matters in our lives. Watching Buffy has been like that for me: certainly an intense emotional experience that I’m always going to remember.

I’m not someone who believes that fan love and critical engagement are mutually exclusive – you can be simultaneously fannish and aware that the media you love has problems² and that these are worth discussing. Buffy has some serious issues with exoticization (the Inca mummy, Nigerian zombie mask and Native American avenging spirit episodes, for example), and is full of complicated and sometimes contradictory ideas about gender and sexuality I think I’d have a ton of fun teasing out. The moment when I attempt to put on my more formal critical hat will probably come (and if anyone wants to join me for that, I’d more than welcome it – joint reviews seem to work really well for me as far as TV is concerned). But for now, while I’m deep in the grips of this story and full of all these raw and intense feelings I’ve yet to untangle, I thought I’d take a moment to share my uncensored, gushy, inarticulate (and slightly spoilery up to season four, I should add) fannish notes with you³.

• I have absolutely no idea why I’m so emotionally invested in Buffy and Angel, as this is really not the kind of romance that usually does it for me, but my goodness, I really, really am. I can’t remember the last time I found a love story that made my heart beat faster quite like this one does.
  
  
• This investment, by the way, goes hand in hand with my rejoicing in the fact that the narrative gives them room to meet other people and care about them, that it allows what Buffy and Angel had to matter without it lasting forever, that it doesn’t perpetuate the myth that relationships that aren’t eternal are a waste of everyone’s time, and that if you grow to care about someone new then what you had with a previous partner wasn’t “real” after all. Hooray for that.
  
  
• Still, still, at this point I’m desperate for any crumbs the story will throw at me re: Buffy and Angel. I just love seeing them together so much, and my heart is constantly breaking for them.
  
  
• Speaking of crumbs and heartbreak, will my poor heart ever recover from the Angel season one episode “I Will Remember You”? Ouch. I rather suspect not. (But also yay and best episode ever.)
  
  
• Also, it turns out I don’t always roll my eyes at brooding Byronic types in leather coats after all. (Then again, I should have known that. I did grow up on a steady diet of Anne Rice.)
  
  
• Spike does make me roll my eyes quite a lot, though at this point it’s in a fond way more often than not.
  
  
• [Particularly spoilery one] I’m so full of end of season three nostalgia it’s not even funny. It’s just so sad that the library was destroyed, that Giles doesn’t work there anymore, that Angel and Cordelia are off doing their own things and that we don’t get to see them around Buffy and the other characters anymore. I guess I should be happy that the fact that they have their own show means we get to see them at all, but I still really miss the old days when the Scooby gang was all together.
  
  
• PS: I love the Scooby gang ♥. And also the name “Scooby gang”.
  
  
• On the bright side, I’ve just met Tara!
  
  
• Speaking of Tara, there are no words for how much I love Willow. It’s hard to pick a favourite character, but if I really had to go with just one I guess it would be her. She’s so smart and kind and geeky and oh, I just love her so much.
  
  
• Favourite episodes so far: Passion (another ouch, my poor heart moment), The Wish, Doppelgängland (Vampire Willow was kind of awesome), and Enemies (it actually had me fooled and going “oh crap, no” until the end). What are yours?
  
  
• Looking back to season one and seeing how far the characters have come already feels like a huge journey – I can only imagine what it will be like by the time I get to the final season.
  
  
• The downside of watching a series this compulsively is that I don’t get to make it last. I’m going to be sad for weeks when it’s all over.
  
  
• I do know about the comics, but I wanted to ask you if they’re as satisfying as the TV series. I ask this because so far the Avatar comics, good though they are, don’t feel like nearly enough and only make me miss the characters more. Not that this will stop me reading them anyway, but I kind of want to prepare myself.
  
  
• Lastly, as you may have gathered by now I’m only up to season four, so no spoilery comments, please? I say this because I have somehow managed to avoid any major spoilers for this show despite its huge prominence in pop culture, and the universe often seems to have a way of throwing spoilers my way just as I’m starting to really get into a show.

So, who else is a Buffy fan? Would you be interested in a longer critical post from me when I get to the end of the final season, or has everything of interest that could ever possibly be said about Buffy already been said? The answer to that is probably yes.

PS: Thank you, Amy. A story like this is a real gift, and I so appreciate the effort you made to share it with me. I may be three years late on your dare, but I’m a Buffy convert at long last.

¹ Then again, I’ve yet to find a show I’d describe as flawless.

² Or positive aspects worth highlighting and analysing, as I also don’t believe that critical engagement only equals talking about problems.

³ While we’re on the topic of criticism and emotional responses to media, this is such a great post.